The Last Time I Cried…

I know not where these posts are going these days, but here we go again…

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When was the last time I cried? I honestly can’t remember. I don’t even have the slightest semblance resembling a guess.

I’d like to credit myself as someone who pays keen attention to the world and people around me, as well as to myself. Actually, I’d like to think I’m overly self-aware, to the point where it can be a real problem.

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Any of these pictures look familiar? Any of them apply to you? I can assure you, they are the summary of my mental processes in nutshell.

With that, I can tell when I’m missing something in my life or I’m craving something, because there are very specific things I do in those instances. It’s like I’m scrambling to fill the void by doing things like: listening to music from way back when and going through endless old photos that induce those sadly familiar, nostalgic feeling that we all love and dread. Well, friends, I had one of those days over the weekend.

One thing I’m sure to do is re-watch old movies or series that I’m fond of, therefore that’s the route I took this time. So I’ve been watching, over the course of the last week or so, one of my favourite series (which I refuse to name as that is one judgement I will not allow you guys to execute). I’ve especially been overdoing it, to simply get to season 2 episodes 24 to 26. Why? Let’s put it this way: those 3 episodes, and the whole series for that matter, embody those 7 dreams that I’m pretty sure I’m longing for. What 7 dreams am I talking about? Well, there’s a reason the blog is named “Where My 7 Dreams Grow”. You see, ultimately, when you break it down into the simplest terms, the “7 Dreams” are those things that I THINK all of us are either yearning and searching for, or they are things we truly appreciate in our lives and the world around us; therefore, this blog is where I cultivate and record my journey to uncovering them.

The show I’ve been binge watching just encapsulates it all so well, especially those episodes I’ve now watched like 4 times each today alone. It’s just full of so much emotion and it really appeals to a part of me that I’d much rather keep under wraps so much of the time, so that’s what I try to do.

In my last entry, I mentioned worrying about my writing being “too dark” and the fact that I write based on what and how I feel in that very moment. Sometimes, I wish I didn’t feel things so deeply and I honestly can’t put my finger on when this started to happen. However, from what I can tell and have been told, I’ve always been like this. An art teacher in prep school picked up on it pretty early I guess and told me that I’m “an artist” (whatever that means, because I’m still not sure) and that’s why I seem to be the referee in the constant struggle between my head and my heart.

The thing is is, sometimes I’m okay with it and sometimes I’m not. I mean it’s an amazing thing to be able to view the world from a certain perspective that allows you to immerse yourself entirely in what’s going on and get the full dose of joy from even the mot minute of beauties. But on the flip side, it seems as if every sorrow is somewhat amplified. In moments like that, having an outlet isn’t an option, but instead a necessary luxury, as you need it to release what is being felt through a “safe” medium, but not everyone is “blessed” with the ability to do this is a rewarding way. Thank God I’m not absolute shit at writing or I don’t know what I’d do really.

My real concern (euphemism), or rather morbid fear (reality), is what if I stop feeling so deeply? What if I subscribe to what people try to tell me about not feeling so deeply? What if I believe them when they say I’ll be better off? What if they are right that in feeling so deeply I am depriving myself of life’s joy? Will I still be able to translate certain things effectively from my emotions into words? What if it’s being able to feel things the way I do, that makes me such a keen observer of the world and helps me to have the insight that my friends seem to come to me asking for?

*sigh* These are the questions that constantly weigh on my mind and heart.

Anyway, the answer to the first question…When was the last time I cried?

Sunday, 22nd February, 2015 circa 1: 40 pm.

xoxo, from where my 7 dreams grow…

~Rynzi

P.S. It wasn’t like a “river of tears crying, wailing like there’s been some fatality” cry, just to let you know…LOL!

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