Hope 2017 has been kind to you all thus far.
So something that’s kind of a milestone happened last year and I never really spoke about it for a few reasons, so I’m just going to take the time to work through my feelings about it now, and see where they lead me.
Guess I’ll just spit it out then…
Firstly, I’d like to say “Congratulations”to the Graduating Class of 2016, especially all those unfortunate enough to be Utech Knights; Hoorah! It’s over! You survived with most of your sanity in tact and you didn’t have to burn the place down, though I’m sure you’re still hoping some younger, frustrated soul will! (I will never write of that place graciously, #sorrynotsorry)
Yup! It finally happened! I made it to the end of my University experience…but to be honest, I don’t know how to feel about it. I mean, on one hand, I’m thrilled to be done with the school I was attending (GOOD RIDDANCE UTECH!) But on the other hand, I just feel numb when I think about it and I’ve decided I don’t want to feel that way anymore!
I realize that I’m fortunate to have been able to get a tertiary education and to have successfully completed it. Friends and family have congratulated me, but I’m one of those people who is absurdly terrible at taking compliments so I kept trying to deflect them. I also tried to avert the commendations was because I just didn’t feel very accomplished, and believe me, I tried. I did what I was supposed to do: I took the studio photos (which I absolutely detest; quality was disappointing) and I got the ring (which I haven’t worn), but I still didn’t feel the pride that’s supposed to go with this achievement. I wasn’t going to have my parents waste money on the ceremony because I definitely knew that wasn’t my cup of tea. The last straw was collecting the piece of paper I worked so hard for, that was supposed to make me someone of “worth”. Fast forward: I accidentally used the envelope holding said piece of paper as a place-mat for my dinner that night (don’t worry, I’m not a messy eater and the degree was also in a plastic sleeve).
But I’ve been thinking about it, and one of my New Year resolutions was to “make a conscious effort to find wonder”, and to tell you the truth, it’s a wonder that I survived UTech. It was a wretched experience, I wouldn’t want a repeat and UTech severely slacked off in that “preparing me for the working world” aspect, but it was good for life experience and I definitely grew through the process.
So here’s the pep-talk I’ve been giving myself:
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.” ~ Steve Jobs
1. One of the reasons I wasn’t necessarily thrilled about graduating is because I didn’t study something I liked or was interested in to be honest; the discipline is also highly underrated. I felt “less than” for being in the department that I was; but what made me most unhappy was that I didn’t feel like it was my calling. However, I’ll get to where I’m going in my own time. I’m sure of it. I will follow my own path and not just listen to my inner voice, but act on it! I will stay hungry and stay foolish. I will get what’s mine!
“Go forth boldly in the direction of your dreams; live the life you’ve imagined.” ~ Henry David Thoreau
2. The future can be a scary concept, especially when you’re just starting out. It takes time to get your footing and for things to fall into place for you. That fear can be crippling sometimes: the fear of failure and not being good enough, fear of not knowing what’s next, where to go and how to get there. But you know what’s more powerful than my fear? My faith! I’m not exactly where I want to be, but I’m making the necessary moves to get there. I will not allow fear to make me stagnant. I will not work for adoration or fame, but only to move toward my dreams. I will take risks and I will succeed.
“Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations.”
3. In the bluntest of terms, UTech sucked! Seriously! I was miserable practically all the way through. I was overworked with the course loads, annoyed with lecturer and administration incompetence, burdened with the pressures of other aspects of life, disgusted with the educational and tertiary system, dumbfounded at the idiocy of the certain persons and processes, and downright disinterested in what I was “learning”. I had more than a few road bumps and blocks, but I made it through, not by my own might of course! (Who but God?!) I’d like to think all my misfortunes played a part in building me up because I chose to learn from them and allow them to mold me, and I’m okay with who I am now. Still a work in progress, but I’m good.
“It always seems impossible until it’s done.” ~ Nelson Mandela
4. I’m not gonna lie, there was a point in my college tenure when I genuinely didn’t think I was going to finish, and to be honest, I didn’t want to. I felt so low defeated, but I didn’t give up. Not because I was so strong that I was able to overcome my adversities, (’cause that couldn’t be further from the truth), but because I had a support system that wouldn’t let me quit. Furthermore, it wasn’t the type of support system that coddles you; it was the type that gave you ultimatums and challenged you to get it done. And you know what? It obviously worked, because now I have an official fancy piece of paper to show employers and whoever else it may matter to when I’m not using it as a place-mat. (it happened more than once…)
All in all, I’d like to say, I’m proud that I stuck it out until the very end. I’d like to thank the kind strangers who allowed God to use them to help me when I was most in need. I’d like to thank the friends who stayed with me through the highs and lows, even when I pushed you away and shut down on you. I’d like to thank my parents, especially my mom for allowing me the opportunity and supporting me through it; I did this for you (like literally, you damn well know this degree is more yours than mine, LOL! WE’RE DONE!) I’d like to thank google and copy and paste, you da real MVPs! I’d like to thank God; Lord, you ALWAYS come through for me!
Lastly, I’d like to thank myself. You did it! You worked hard and you did it! You know the struggles you went through; the ones you had to share to get the help and support you needed and those wars you fought all alone. Pat yourself on the back for once; you deserve it!
So yeah…I guess that’s it…
xoxo, from where my 7 dreams grow,
~ Ms. Karyn Allen, B. Ed. but you can call me Rynzi :)